Friday, October 7, 2011

You want to be in the SEC? Here's your checklist bub...

I've been swamped lately with other obligations and work travel, as a result have really have neglected this space. I'll try to be more consistent when things settle down.  I got an email from my buddy in Savannah this morning who goes by the name Toothpick.  Toothpick sits on his back porch most Friday nights sippin bourbon and making recordings of the crickets that he sends to me so that I can fall asleep at night out here in the territories.  Toothpick and I both attended UGA together and were roommates for 3 out of the 5 years we were in Athens.  After college we lived in Buckhead with some of our tailgating crew until marriage split the whole party up.  Long before we both had jobs, wives and kids, Toothpick and I enjoyed our fall Saturdays to the fullest.  From wide eyed freshmen to old alumni we did imbibe saturdays to the fullest.  First in, Last out was our tailgate motto.  Now days with all of us spread to the wind, we tailgate virtually for those games we aren't lucky enough to attend in person.  Anyway, Toothpick sends me rants from time to time and this one I thought was worth sharing...
Ladies and Gentlemen, Toothpicks thoughts on what qualifies others for SEC consideration:

"I was thinking about all this expansion talk last night while watching A-Roid strikeout again with the bases jacked (what a chump).  Anyway, I figured to put these thoughts to paper...or at least to electronic print.  Please enjoy below:
 A few brief requirements;  a check list if you will, for your school to even be considered for invitation to the greatest football conference in the land.  Feel free to let me know any I may have left off....which I apologize, it's Friday before the game in Knoxville and we started with Bloody Mary's this morning on the boat trip up the Tennessee River.

1) Sweet Tea, not Unsweet or even Half/Half.  Water is available if you don't like sugar.  In the SEC, Sugar is what we play for. 

2) A tremendous 'Co-Ed' following.  Girls that can not only explain a defensive Stunt, but why and when to call it.  Girls that are happy to sneak in your flask...along with hers.  Hot girls in their Sunday best (exception here for Florida and LSU's lumber-yard hot) screaming for the RB to pick up that blitz.  No sweat shirts, no baggy pants.  This is the SEC - we dominate on and off the field.

3) Has an appreciation for drinking bourbon at 9am on Fall Saturdays.  This goes for both guys and girls. With Coke (never Pepsi), Ginger Ale, Water or just ice.  It's all good.  And NO! - Crown Royal doesn't count.  That's Blended Canadian Whiskey.  Yes, I know you love the cute purple sack it comes in.  But save that for Boxers Day - this is where Championship football is played.

4) 365.  As in the number of days you focus on your team and how they'll look next week, next recruiting class, next season.  It's breakfast conversation in February and supper conversation in April.  Of course in September, it covers all the family sit downs.

5) Tailgatin.  It starts early AM on gameday...if not one, two or sometimes three days before (ask Oklahoma fans about the Crimson Tide RV invasion in Norman on Wednesday a few years back).  It's not hanging at the apartment drinking leftover keg beer until and hour before kickoff.  It's the Bloody Bar at 7am for the ESPN 7 o' clock kickoff.  We smoke hogs on trailer cookers, have Pimento Cheese sandwiches, Momma's home-made fried chicken, boiled peanuts and fresh lemon bars and cookies for desert.  No brats!  Save that for your trip to Green Bay.

6) Geat college towns.  This aint' Los Angeles or Columbus, OH or Miami, FL.  We play the best college football in the land in small little towns like Athens and Oxford with lively music scenes, BBQ joints, local dive bars and Cathedrals that seat 90,000 folks.

Meet these requirements and we might, just might consider you for membership.  If not, or maybe you just got scared off a little bit...well, go back to the BIG 10 (or wherever you came from) and we'll stomp your tail again in the Sugar Bowl and celebrate with another Mint Julep on the veranda."

According to my friend Nick, Mizzou is automatically disqualified on these grounds.  In addition to the fact that they fail every single requirement above, he adds that the last time he was there everyone was watching HOCKEY!' Good Lord, please Mike Slive, I hope you're paying attention! 

Thanks Pick!

1 comment:

  1. Mike Slive should adopt these as the tenets of the SEC. If your school can't meet them, fuck off.

    I recall invading Tempe a couple of years ago for the UGA vs ASU game. Those people thought we were absolutely crazy for showing up at Hooters before they opened. We proceeded to drink, fart, and eat and until game time that night.

    Hockey? Really?