I often wonder how Abraham Lincoln and his siblings survived to adulthood in a one room cabin in the woods in Southern Indiana. My guess it involved a lot of frost bite and shouts to 'stay out of the horse path.' Anyway, having three kids in a one room cabin makes me wonder how the human race didn't die out a long time ago.
Below is my quick list of stuff you learn as a father of toddlers:
- A cup is nearly mandatory. I am not comparing the pain of nine months of pregnancy and labor to the routine of getting hit in the nads. I am saying women are offered drugs, and women have a heads up when the pain will start in earnest. Also, the pain stops at some point, right? Not so with three young ones that are all exactly the right height and have a proclivity for running with their hands out everywhere they go.
- Your neighbors never seem to keep your kids as much as it seems your neighbors' kids are at your house. Objectively, I know it is pretty close to even, prehaps slanted towards our kids being over there more. Subjectively, there is a lot more puking and breaking of stuff happening at our house that I don't think is happening over there.
- Every neighborhood has a kid that could break an anvil in four minutes and yells everything in a volume just under Death Valley at kickoff and the pitch of The Nanny. If your neighborhood doesn't have a kid like that, it is your kid and you are numb to it.
- Your kid will bring home a toy that is designed to bring rain in the desert or make people drink heavily. That toy is impossible to sneak out of the house.
- Boogers, when they dry, bond very, very well to painted walls. They are also harder than titanium.
- That is especially true if it is a white wall in a conspicuous place.
- The volume of the noise emitted from a child's room after bed time is directly proportional to how long after bed time it is.
- Nothing makes a kid get loud like an adult getting on the phone. Nothing shuts them up like asking them to say hello to someone on the phone.
- All kids love animals. Until you get them one.
- Children love playing by themselves and quietly until kickoff. After kickoff, they will fight like hungery fat men going after the last donut over a broken piece of crayon. Which will end up in 1139 pieces ground into your carpet.
- Eye rolling begins at birth. They work on perfecting it during childhood so they have it down pat by the time they are 12.
* From Not Your Average Dictionary