Saturday, July 24, 2010

SEC Media Days in a Nutshell

To give the average reader the chance to have a basic understanding of what is going on in the SEC firmament, here is a handy nutshell for you.

Alabama and Florida are the teams to beat in the SEC this year.  Alabama because they return a Heisman trophy winning RB, their starting QB and WR, and many key players from their staunch defense from last year.  Florida because the media is pavolvian in their response to Urban Meyer's pointing and staring.  Arkansas will give be the only team in the West that can give 'Bama a run for their money, because by God, someone has to finally be able to win the SEC looking like a Big 12 team.  Georgia is predicted to finish  MARK RICHT IS ON THE HOT SEAT!!11!1 And we are whiny bastards.  South Carolina is really, really poised to break out this year.  Really.

Agents are pimps, players are whores, Nick Saban isn't invited to the next get together at Jimmy Sexton's personal country in the Caribbean.  Finebaum is so infuriated that AJ Green was named first team SEC above Julio Jones, he declared that Julio has never been to Miami at least twice as well as AJ.  Weslye Saunders looks to be the best tight end in the conference with a bunch of explaining to do.  Houston Nutt might actually bite the head off a chicken during a game (the AT&T Chicken, probably). Derek Dooley speaks heresy at levels that would get most people excommunicated when he said he will get his Daddy in orange.  Miss Barbara laughs at Urban Meyer's lack of intensity.

Caldwell opens for Bill Engvall in Hoover (Photo:AP)
New Vanderbilt coach, Ronnie 'Call me Turkey Salad' Caldwell, is a riot.  Vanderbilt will still finish sixth in the East, but with at least one win this year.  Look for them to do a well organized square dance when they score first against Tennessee for that win.  Kentrell Lockett of Old Miss is Turkey Salad's player equivalent.  Ryan Mallett is going to be ready for the opener and can already throw 60 yards off one foot. Insert your own "who will he throw it to?" joke here.  Gene Chizik is ready for the season, by ready, he means he's got the same coaching staff as last year and that worked out pretty good.  Bobby Petrino is on a penicillin regimen because he caught 'the Twitter'.  Kentucky's new coach is convinced his new offensive coordinator will be much better at game and clock management than the Joker that used to run the offense.  Dan Mullen coached Tim Tebow, did you know that?
Les Miles has no idea about the QB situation, not that anyone really could tell from his statements, since his statements seem to be nothing more than a rapid expungement of words that pop into his head; sort of a verbal, self-perpetuating Rorschach test.  His hair looks like it was straight out of the Earnest Ainsley color and faith in a bottle collection.  Steve Spurrier knows all about his QB situation and likes Garcia as his QB. Or not. 

Finally, football season is here.  In six weeks from this moment, some of us will already be drunk and everyone will be ready to see balls in the air.

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