Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Guide for Southerners Moving North

Since I have moved out of the South twice in my life, I have developed a simple 25 point guide for Southerners moving North.  Not so much rules or anything, just simple observations that will help you get by.

1."Hey" is not considered a term of greeting.
2. Pop is not your father.
3. Eye contact on the street is considered a scary invasion of personal space.
4. When it snows, go to the store and buy all of the beer you can carry. You will need it to endure the "I bet you have never seen this much snow at one time" speech.
5. When people laugh at your accent, remind them that no one ever considered "utes", "yous guys", "Shicaaago" or "caaaah" sexy.
6. Rubbers are not condoms.
7. Don't waive at people as you pass them on the road. People will either waive back with one finger or wreck trying to figure out who the hell you are.
8. Don't request ice tea at a restaurant.....ever.  Unless you like unsweetened ice tea.
9. Northerners cook the tomatoes, but not the green beans.
10. Be prepared to explain what grits are........about 1000 times.
11. Expect everyone to think that your name is Bubba or that you have two first names.
12. Carry the gun that everyone thinks you own. Yankees are always showing up at gun fights with just a knife.
13. There are just as many trailers here as there are in the South.  These trailers are not nearly as nice as those at home.
14. About=Fixin, Push=Mash, None=nary a one, Wimp=Not a hair on his ass.
15. There are just as many people here related to someone who has been on "Cops".
16. If you've been to Southern Florida, you've been to New Jersey.
17. Expect people from Indiana and other "border" states to insist they are Southern, then they go and buy designer cheese and wear black socks to the beach.
18. Get used to people coming up to you and asking you to talk. Only do it for the pretty ones.
19. If you are going anywhere at less than 15 mph over the speed limit, expect people to tell you you are #1 with their middle finger.  No one goes that fast in the left lane, however.
20. Yankees still think they won the war.  Based on the vehicles, music and general status of the economy in the North, I'd say not so much.
21. Bar-B-Que is an event, not meat.
22. Expect weatherpeople to babble on and on about the snow, ice, or cold weather the way they do in the South. Remember though, they get it over half the year here.
23. Reporters in the North also find the person from the shallowest end of the gene pool to interview in the event of a disaster.  There is no shortage of such people to interview.
24. Football=NFL
25. There are only two seasons in the North. Winter and Road repair.

7 comments:

  1. Russell RaulersonJuly 20, 2010 at 6:39 AM

    Completely enjoyed it!

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  2. haha, so true!

    I will give your current state of residence one prop, the "horseshoe" or "pony shoe" sandwich is some fine eating.

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  3. Replies
    1. In the North that means "Thank you", not "Your stupid".
      For example: "I just called to say bless your heart for shoveling my driveway this morning." Things like that.
      Intresting fact of the day.

      Delete
  4. Mike, believe it or not, I'd never had one until today. Gotta admit, I've been missing out.

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  5. Just be glad you're not in the northeast. Good manners and thoughtfulness make you a target here, more so if you're a female.

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  6. im fixin to gon up to alaska next year and when i told my mama she was like bless your hart i member win you were knee high to a grasshoper and now your living the south .. funnyiest day ever

    ReplyDelete