Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Closing Time

Who are the winners and losers in the conference realignment night of clubbing?

Winner: The Big XII. It looked for sure that the hot girls would go home with someone else.  Yeah, you've been there for them.  Held their hair when they puked.  Took care of them.  Gave yourself freely to them, for the sake of their vanity. It looked like they would just up and leave you.  However, the hot girls decided that you were good enough for them.  That they did care about you.  And your new money.

As a bonus, the bitch that neither you nor the hot girls like left the party.  Good times.



Loser: Pac-1x.  Go big or go home, dudes. Asked the hottest girl at the club...that would actually talk to a nice Protestant boy...to come back to your place. Sure, you also invited her friends: The ultra-bitchy, but ultimately best, friend who is not nearly as hot as she thinks she is; the 'girl next door type that you know you could end up marrying; that girl's little sister, who is just easy enough; and the girl that no one really knows why she hangs with the others, but just seems to always be around, usually slinking out of some dark room holding her shoes and missing her sunglasses.  You always assume the hottest girl wouldn't dare come home with you unless you invited her friends, right? 

Hey, you got a pool and some good blow.  House with a view.  Sure, your friends are brotastic enough and you talk a big game.  The problem is, you don't have the kind of ready bling it takes to get those kinds of girls to come home with you.  Plus the hot one's friend kept making noises about wanting to go home with this other group of guys, because they were closer to home and had were real cool about the whole to do.  The hot one was probably willing to come with you, but your friends are so far away.  Plus, that blow looks an awful lot like powdered sugar and the house is probably about to fall into the sea.  The hot girl decides that she is better off with the dudes she's been mistreating all along.

Winner: Colorado.  The other girl in the group the Pac-1x wanted ends up going to the party she belonged at all along.  She meets Chip, who has a thing for quirky girls.  They live happily ever after.

Loser:  Big Ten.  Not technically, since you did get one of the girls to come to your house.  Not the hot ones you wanted, mind you.  Kind of a metaphor, really.  The hottest of them all one is still out there, taunting you.  Laughing at you.  Counting money that should be yours, the Catholic tease that she is.

Winner:  Nebraska.  Finally, a bunch of girls where you can be The Hot One.

Loser: TCU.  You thought the hot girls would leave the party and stop mistreating those nice boys from the plains.  You don't really love those boys, but they are kind of cute.  Plus, you've always wanted to get back into the parties they can get you into, but there is just no room and those mean girls just won't let you in.  Those mean girls didn't leave, so you'll just have to keep doing your thing at the hole in the wall club, working towards earning a spot at the big party.

Winner: MWC.  Status as a regular on the side stands a chance at getting an upgrade. Yeah, you are hot enough, but just can't get a regular invite.  Change is coming, and you can see the opportunities to get a couple of girls in your friend group that would make all the difference. 

Loser: WAC.  A couple of years ago, it was all right there for you.  You'd scored the big invite to show the world you were fo'real!  That hussy from the island ruined it all by showing it was just pretty makeup and no substance.  Now, you have lost the most attractive girl of the group, the one that constantly does well at the big parties, and her nearly equally as hot friends are thinking of leaving.  Not good.

Remember, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

1 comment:

  1. 1. I love that you put this in the hot girls going home with guys perspective. I've been so tired of hearing about conference realignment but this was funny.
    2. Referencing semisonic? Classic.

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